


Secret Origins: The (Real) History of Robin, the Boy Wonder, and How He Came To Be

by Sad_Gargoyles



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Or Is It?, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 06:27:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16299845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sad_Gargoyles/pseuds/Sad_Gargoyles
Summary: Ever wonder about Robin's origin and how he met The Batman? Find out the (true) fascinating history of our favorite Boy Wonder in this harrowing tale of 100% authenticity!





	Secret Origins: The (Real) History of Robin, the Boy Wonder, and How He Came To Be

**Author's Note:**

> This little atrocity is a parody I concocted after reading some fics that combined the Robins as the same character, exchanging their backstories, personalities, etc. like they're not individual people in their own right (costumes are fair game, those don't define them as a person). Shoutout to canon for doing the same thing! @ Timmy Todd from The New Batman Adventures  
> (Also I know Cass isn't a Robin but idc).

One day, Bruce Wayne had a few drinks with a lovely lady who said she was from Nanda Parbat. He didn't know where that was but apparently underage drinking was allowed. 

Nine months later, a baby is left on a doorstep. 

Timothy Jackson Drake was the son of Jack and Janet Drake of Drake Industries in the illustrious city of Gotham, New Jersey. At least, that’s what they told him. Not that he could understand such things. He was only an infant after all. His birth parents were not actually Jack and Janet Drake, but Jack didn't know that. Though he did wonder how he and his wife had a child since he couldn't remember her being pregnant. But Jack didn't question it and Janet didn't didn't fill him in about finding the baby on their doorstep. This was a win for her, because she didn't want to be pregnant or sleep with Jack, and even fulfilled her societal obligation of leaving a baby with the nurse. 

Unfortunately for the Drakes, Ra’s al Ghul, far away in Nanda Parbat in the Middle East, caught wind of Bruce Wayne having a biological child through his network of stalker-assassins spying on the man he wished to become the heir of his eco-terrorist empire. So he sent his head stalker-assassin, his daughter Talia, to kidnap baby Tim Drake and raise him as his own heir cause eugenics and sexism and all that jazz. Ra’s is into that. The eugenics and sexism. Not the jazz. He has horrible taste in music. Talia is allowed to rename the baby. Something strong to befit his empire, Ra’s says. She names him Damian, a Greek name like her own meaning ‘to tame’ out of spite for her dad. He didn’t care or check the baby naming books and was gonna call Damian ‘Ibn al Xu'ffasch’ or ‘Son of the Bat,’ regardless of what Talia named him. 

This is where Talia got her spite. 

After a year of indoctrinating Damian in the holy (and very non-Islamic, just to clarify) ways of eco-terrorism, he is kidnapped by world-renowned assassin, David Cain, who’s also into the eugenics fad (which is why he tried to get it on with Lady Shiva). Unfortunately, most of his eugenic experiments die because he didn’t read any parenting guides and is also an asshole. So he decides to steal Ra’s’s lucky break and train Damian, who now has no name because children are weapons not people (which isn’t to say you can’t name your weapons but Cain wasn’t into that), to become the ultimate most awesomest assassin to ever walk the earth and to become... Ra’s’s bodyguard. Cain didn’t always think things through very well. Which is why baby No Name, a two-year-old given way too much independence, is able to toddle away and somehow actually manages to catch a flight back to Gotham. Those stalker-assassin skills paying off. 

He winds up in the streets of Gotham where he’s taken in by a kind woman named Catherine Todd. She and her husband Willis (though mostly her) take care of the now renamed toddler, Jason Peter Todd, for another whole year before Willis (a part-time goon) is killed by Two-Face and Catherine downs a few too many drugs. 

Little Jason lives on the streets before he is taken into foster care and ends up with Crystal and Arthur Brown who dye his hair blonde and insist on calling him Stephanie, but before Steph gets too used to his new home with the Browns, he is removed from their care and adopted by circus performers extraordinaire, John and Mary Grayson, aka The Flying Graysons, and once again renamed, this time Richard John “Dick” Grayson. Dick lives in Haly’s Circus for the next 5 years, probably forgetting most of the nonsense of his first 3 years of existence, before John and Mary’s lives are tragically cut short thanks to an asshole named Tony Zucco. Thankfully, Bruce Wayne, who also lost his parents at age 8 to some punk with a gun, is in the crowd and adopts little Dick Grayson on the spot and even has the decency to let him keep his name. 

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's the one they use in all adaptations.


End file.
